“Toddler Meltdown On Aisle 1”

It was a moment of intense urgency and misplaced confidence. I had a Pharmacy pickup and we were out of the baby daddy’s Chobani Lime yogurt. Plus, baby girl was on this health kick wanting apples and peanut butter. What? When someone actually REQUESTS healthy things to chow down on, then mama MUST deliver. Therefore, offspring number three and I enter Publix sans nap and a snotty nose.

Within thirty seconds of walking through the doors I see a friend, we hug, she sweet talks the grumpy beast and then he slaps me in the face. Well, that was fun. I may have disciplined in PUBLIC. Hope no ones calls DHR. Immediately after, I go to put the kid into the “Twuck” grocery cart and then “Stage 5 Clinger” surfaces. Grrr. Now he’s crying, snotty face buried into my left shoulder. I grab the steering wheel cart, secure kid on hip and head to the deli section.

We take a detour as we pass the bakery. “I want cake mama. The ‘geen’ ones.” Ugh, I cave. He’s pitiful. Crocodile tears streaming down his snot ridden face. Check. We resume the intended path to the deli.

Fantabulous! There’s a line for that preservative free, low sodium Boar’s Head turkey. Do the baby daddy and I really need this? I don’t have to cook a couple meals if I buy this stuff. Motivated, I choose to endure it.

Next thing I know he has squirmed his way from my grip and grabs a glass container of pickled olives. “Wook mama!”, and starts running from me. I can’t blame a pickle jar disaster on my water breaking. This child’s mama is spayed. He wants down and nothing is working to alleviate this desire.

Then the public toddler meltdown commences. The crying crescendos to epic proportions as the stares of all those loyal deli customers pierce into my back. I think “Well, there’s no going back now. Don’t be that mom that yanks the kid up by the arm. Show them your maternal side. CAMERAS are on you woman.”

I then kneel down to his level, give him a gentle hug and he sobs snotty tears (again) onto my left shoulder. He doesn’t feel well. Time to pick up the pace. I quickly leave the scene of the crime and let him down in the freezer section. Somehow, opening the door to freezing air and grabbing veggie bags provides just the right amount of substantial serotonin needed for BOTH of us to survive this trip.

Fast forward to check out. He helps me unload the yogurt! This is going fabulous! WRONG. As I am swiping my chip embedded debit card (conspiracy theory 101 on that by the way) baby boy sprints towards the electronic doors that lead to ongoing traffic. EEK! Between the bag girl, the assistant manager and myself, we contain the beast. “No! I do not want cash back.” As I throw the crazed toddler onto my shoulder, the lady who bagged my groceries politely asks “May I help you out with these?” “Yesssss you may! Bless you woman.”

As we head to the car, the offspring is calm with his healthy snack I got for him at checkout. (I bribed my kid with candy…don’t judge). Then the nice lady says to me “Honey, I have been there. They just get older and you have a new set of issues. My son is 16 now and he comes home to visit every three months. He looks 25 you know. I help him clean out his filthy car each visit and last time I found some things that made me wish I could go back to those toddler tantrums. At least he’s being SAFE I guess.”

Double take what?! You heard me right. This lady helped her grown son clean used “birth control products” out of his vehicle slash love shack. Is this what I have to look forward to? We may be introducing that STD manual and ten pound birthing video into bedtime ritual a little earlier than anticipated! I’ll take a toddler meltdown on Aisle 1 any day people. Thank you Publix. An extra fifty dollars in healthy frozen veggies and a fresh perspective. 🙂

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17 thoughts on ““Toddler Meltdown On Aisle 1””

  1. Yesssss girl. I think we got it from the germ infested play zone at chick fil a this week😫… My baby sis spent several nights with us and she just left the doctor with the flu. So my whole fam is on tamiflu.. Besides Derron who is luckily out of town… Definitely go and get tested! I’m thinking bout the flu shot next year… Hey! I’ve lost 9 lbs this week but that’s like nothing on me bahahaha.

  2. Love it. I hate to take Mae to the store. She is a decent shopper when it comes to groceries, though. Clothes or the Mall…no thank you. She wants to walk, not ride. Run from me. Pull on clothes and their tags. And you can bet we get that free cookie at the Publix deli!! A cup of nutter butters sometimes if its a long grocery trip!

    1. These creatures…but Publix I can generally stomach with them in tow. Walmart…I start to twitch just thinking about it!

  3. Bahahaha. I just love it. Makes my trip to publix yesterday with a flu ridden 7 year old look a tad bit better.. Though his tall and lanky self still demands those “car carts”.. Smashing his legs all to the side but he’s happy!!!! Thanks for my morning laugh!!☕️

    1. Flu! Is that going around? Stuck at home with the eldest. Kind of flu suspicious at the moment. Guess I’ll be dragging him to the doctor and may pick up a tummy virus in the process. Oh well…maybe I’ll lose weight. 🙂

  4. The one good thing about the offspring aging is that when you have drama in public they (the offspring) are more willing to comply with correct protocol, due to their increased mental ability to comprehend your thinly veiled threats of imminent retribution and dire consequences should their undesirable behavior continue. For example….with your teeth bared in some semblance of a normal smile, while your eyes shoot daggers of flames, you calmly and quietly tell said offspring that should he/ she continue to raise his/her voice in an attempt to embarrass you, you will have no choice but to raise your voice in return and rain down abject humiliation upon his/her rookie head, and to top it off that wonderful little electronic device that is glued to his/her hand 24/7 will be removed, surgical if necessary, and will become my personal drink coaster until further notice!….lol… works even time with my Lil drama tween queen!

    1. Ha ha!! Amber sounds like your kids are more scared of you than mine are of me. 🙂 That’s a compliment to you. Now what has been working lately with my oldest is me threatening to embarrass him by revealing his icky boy secrets to his friends…especially the cute little girls. Mwahahahahaha…and he knows I’ll spill the beans in a heartbeat. 🙂 Yessss

      1. Well in all honesty I have only the one….. the Lord looked at and me and said ” Yep….one and done!”… but I cut my parenting teeth on my sister’s kids! By the time I had my kid I was well seasoned in the ways of the veteran parent! Passing fell on the floor? …don’t panic, don’t rush for the bleach, just stick it in your mouth or stick it in your tea glass to rinse it off and keep on keeping on!

      2. Well in all honesty I have only the one….. the Lord looked at and me and said ” Yep….one and done!”… but I cut my parenting teeth on my sister’s kids! By the time I had my kid I was well seasoned in the ways of the veteran parent! Passi fell on the floor? …don’t panic, don’t rush for the bleach, just stick it in your mouth or stick it in your tea glass to rinse it off and keep on keeping on!

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