“JOB DESCRIPTION OF A PARENT”
Full-time Parent – also referred to as mama, mommy, mother, father, daddy, dad, incoherent grunt, “best friend” when complying with demands and Satan
Flexjob– travel required, work from home, away from home, in vehicle, Chick fil a, pediatrician office, movie theater, Walt Disney World, convenience store bathrooms, ball park, gymnastic building, emergency room, sandbox and, a wildly popular favorite…Wal-mart
Variable – only one shift available at present time: 24 hour on call 7 days a week, clients strongly encourage 3:00am workload
Monetary incentives highly unlikely. Document hours worked until management reaches the age of maturity, then bill in the form of chores, car washes, good conduct and then pass the torch of diaper duty when the job relocates to local nursing home
Dynamic professional who demonstrates stellar interpersonal and organizations skills. One who can remain calm under duress and has lost all sense of smell, hearing, and modesty.
DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES:
- Multi-task oriented individual must possess ability to consume Nutella sandwiches while simultaneously eliminating code browns…candidates unable to distinguish between the two NEED NOT APPLY
- Spearhead client gatherings at various locations, with dominant personalities and intense preferences, who do NOT want to comply with contractual agreements.
- Identify, meet and exceed your client’s needs on a daily basis
- Perform routine SWOT analysis’ of your performance. Examples: Strengths (toddler alive), Weaknesses (no sleep), Opportunities (more greens in diet), Threats (puberty)
- Develop vast knowledge of sports, Disney Pixar, school playground drama, trains and Pokemon Go
- Demonstrate high tolerance for cleaning, wearing and congesting bodily fluids
- Pass client inspection of food preparation. Consistency is KEY to success. (construct meals the exact same way each time for maximum chance at consumption)
- Maintain positive client relations in spite of temper tantrums, groundings and hormones
- Exhibit ability to keep animals alive and well in the presence of new, less experienced clients
- Consistently service residence, vacuum mode of transportation and declog toilets
- Remain motivated, creative, and patient 87% of of the workday
- Dedicated commitment to a lifetime of service
- Must develop immunity to sleep deprivation
- Background in Pinterest, Amazon and WebMD a plus
Certified documentation from OBGYN or…a simple EPT will suffice.
Urinalysis is conducted with an OPEN DOOR POLICY, in a room full of three years olds and small pets
Snotty kisses, larger than life hugs, never a dull or boring moment the remainder of your tenure