What Women Want

WhatwomenwantI love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for the world. However, when you live with someone 24/7 you are going to drive each other a little CRAZY. Think bona fide, straight jacket, “Animal” on the drums from The Muppets, Poltergeist, Lindsey Lohan, Housewives of Beverly Hills CRAZY!

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What women want in relationships certainly varies by personality, background and family dynamics, but I think most estrogen dominant friends would agree with these scenarios.

#1 – You want to “talk.” It’s a bonding thing with most women. It goes a little something like this. You ask about their day, if anything out of the ordinary happened and/or what they have planned for tomorrow. Responses that drive a woman CRAZY are “Good,” “OK,”or “I don’t know.” By the way, you can try the open-ended question route but generally you are going to get the same answers. You push for details and they get annoyed. Seriously? Is the dang sports report or Rocky that is being viewed for the sixty fourth time THAT much more important than conversing with the love of your life? Most women are emotional beings and talking fuels fulfillment in relationships.

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#2 – You are multitasking as usual. Cooking, cleaning, breaking up kid on kid combat, changing diapers, rushing, hyperventilating, about to dive into the chocolate stash due to stress and your man is either sitting on the couch with the iPad or located somewhere in a remote location of the house, like the GARAGE, doing nothing imperative for survival. Dude, seriously? Grab the kid with the dirty pull up or stir the pot. I AM superwoman but my cape needs to be ironed and I’m busy keeping people alive over here! Let’s not even think about giving an irritated smirk when asked to intervene. That will instigate CRAZY to the 3rd power.

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#3 – “Babe, I have a sitter for us! Let’s go on a hot date!” The response that makes a woman question a man’s undying devotion is a response like  “Well, we will just have to see.” WHAT? Did you hear what I just said? “ALONE” time. It’s in the bag. These things don’t come around often like sass from the mouth of your kids. When all your man can drum up is an unemotional disclaimer of passiveness, it sends the wrong message. At this point, a woman may not even want to go on a date now. Fake it, muster up an “I would LOVE to babe” or maybe even plan the outing. Women need men to be clear that time with them is still a priority.

#4 – It alarms you when you realize your man has no idea how to do a basic thing that you do EVERY SINGLE DAY for the kids. Take, for instance, bathing a child. They may even cheerful agree to do it for you once in a solar eclipse. What happens? The kid starts screaming because he used YOUR shampoo instead of the strategically placed and clearly labeled “Tear-free” shampoo that you told him to use prior to bathroom departure. Men are so good at so many things, but mama duties are generally not one of them. Two words for us ladies: “Job Security.”

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#5 – Some guys are Mr. Fix Its. Some really are. Some THINK they are. Fortunately for women, Map Quest was one of the greatest inventions/cures for a man not asking for directions. Too bad there isn’t a Mr. Fix It Robot that men can tell what to do and still be able to beat their chests in testosterone powered victory. The bathroom light goes out and they “try” to replace it. Three hours later, the bathroom FAN is now inoperable. What the? Men hate to ask for help and women just want their stuff working properly and quickly. Heaven forbid its the washing machine, the air conditioner or stove.

#6 – Schedules. In our home, it’s my responsibility for getting the kids where they need to be because daddy works unpredictable hours. He is a phenomenal provider. I appreciate him. This is true for most women I know with children. But God forbid we get sick. Most men act like it’s the end of the world if they have to drop off and pick up multiple kids from different locations at various times. Don’t stress us women out with something like this. I mean, it’s even written down on paper with addresses that can be plugged into the trusty Map Quest.

What Women Want
What Women Want

#7 – Women want to feel good about how they look, especially after pumping out a bunch of wild chimpanzees. Women want an honest assessment of their forever changed physique. Generally, our men are the primary individuals to obtain such feedback. This is a tricky one. Never lie to a woman. Regardless of the subject matter, a woman will question every single word that comes out of his mouth until his dying breath if caught lying. We want honesty but not TOO much honesty. Kind of like the two positives and a negative approach to employee feedback. For example, the employee is punctual, pleasant but just stole $1208.00 from the cash register. It won’t end well but make the process a best case scenario.

Furthermore, when women take the initiative to work out, eat healthy and get their butts in gear (literally), men may end up sleeping on the couch if these endeavors are not supported or participated in. Just imagine the female wrath that can be avoided and the benefits that could be enjoyed (wink wink) if men would lead and assist in the process of building healthier lifestyles for the family.

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Women want it all and may demand too much from their significant other at times and these issues can certainly be applied the other way around. However, women will still be driven crazy by our men because isn’t that what happens in marriage and confined spaces? The good news, though, is that if we all keep working hard to make our relationships stronger and adapt to one another’s needs, we will hopefully have a happy lifetime to get it right and get off the crazy train before we kick the bucket.

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High five, fist bump women. We shall overcome. 🙂

 

 

 

10 Truths On Being Married With Children

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There is little that can prepare a couple for the changes that a child brings into one’s world. Don’t get me wrong, kids are beautiful, little miracles and we would never trade them for anything, BUT life does gets turned upside down. If you are without children, then read on for a reality check and attempt to prepare yourself.  If you and your significant other have already procreated, then take comfort and pleasure in knowing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Literally, never alone.

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#1 – You couldn’t wait to get married so you could LEGALLY have someone’s hands on you 24/7. Mission accomplished! But those hands are now much smaller, hairless and frequently covered in multicolor dirt, sticky substances and bodily fluids.

#2 – COUPLE ALONE TIME becomes the stuff of Disney fairy tales.

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Think Bambi in the thicket, ALL ALONE, or Rapunzel in a tower, ALL ALONE. Just before your Flynn Ryder or fertile doe can reach “Happily Ever After”, some witch becomes obsessed with your hair or some Bambi Blaster ignites an inferno, causing you to evacuate the love shack. You will DREAM of having just 30 minutes ALL ALONE with your “person” ANYWHERE after you have kids.

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#3 – Dates nights used to be seemingly executed, biweekly affairs. Now, a night out on the town NEVER happens spontaneously, especially if you parent more than two children. Even if you plan to the utmost detail, something can always happen. Broken bone, sick grandparent, the flu, alien abduction, etc. You learn not to get too excited UNTIL you are in the car, 10 minutes down the road, with the “Lithium” channel blasting on your XM Radio. When you begin to see marriages struggling all around you, coupled with the fact that it’s an act of Congress to bring a date night to fruition, it’s gets down right complicated. For the sake of marriage and children, we do our best to make it happen dang it!

#4 – Potty breaks in private used to not be a big deal to you. Now, you would KILL for a potty break without “Mama, whatcha doing?” or “Daddy, he hit me!” or “Mama…LET ME IN!”, while the kids AND DOG are pawing underneath the door trying to get in.

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#5 – Before kids, your spouse got most of your attention. Now you both go through times of feeling neglected because no human can sustain the 24 hour energy level required of raising well rounded children, plus tending to the dog, working (paid or not), attempting to cook healthy, getting everybody to extracurricular activities, changing diapers, never ending laundry, homework, deadlines, etc. AND throwing in back rubs, SLEEP (what’s that anyway), intellectual conversations, and undivided attention with long, passionate kisses each day of the week. Hang it up people! You strive for quality time not quantity time. You learn that, sometimes, a simple back rub is enough attention to get you to the next date night opportunity.

#6 – Married people with kids lock the bedroom door. It only takes ONE incident of rolling over to a small leg and a tiny voice saying “Mama, what u doing?”. Theoretically speaking, of course. 🙂 Not heeding this advice could lead to permanently scarring every member in your household. Enough said.

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#7 – Life is full of frustrations and that still rings true with children. Before kids, couples tend to have their hearts set on how their children will be when they emerge from the womb. Parents have certain expectations of their kids that aren’t realistic. For example, dad wants his son to be a dedicated golfer like him but son has other avenues of interest that he is more passionate about, like video games or kickball. Or, mom wants daughter to charmingly speak to random strangers on command because that’s just WHAT YOU DO but daughter is too painstakingly shy to even make eye contact or answer a basic question, like “How old are you?”. It can lead to major frustration for a parent when they realize that their child is polar opposite from them.  It can also be very freeing when a parent can accept their kids for who they are.

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#8 – “MY child will never…(fill in the blank)”, you used to say it before you got married, knocked up and birthed that pony.  Your kid would NEVER talk back to you, slap you in the face or have a meltdown in Wal-mart…at the main entrance…in full view of the security camera and all 568 customers. A word of wisdom. Just don’t ever go there. Your kid WILL act up and embarrass you and then other people will snub their nose up at you JUST LIKE YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE DID TO OTHERS making you feel two inches tall. Karma…TRUTH.

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#9 – In many cases, you married your spouse because your personalities were opposite or different enough to compliment one another. One must prepare for the fact that this can go south REAL FAST when facing the chaos of raising kids. Perfectionists experience a high level of anxiety  because the house is never spotless and maintaining control over one’s things is like parking your brand new soccer mom car right next to the backyard and waking up to it at the BOTTOM of your imaginary pool, EVERY DAY. Always drowning. Endlessly stressed. It can take its toll.

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Laid back types have little desire for control and rarely take action to obtain it, causing undue stress on the other spouse who’s SUV already sunk back at 7:00am when the coffee creamer was found all over the kitchen floor. Also, parents that demand order at all times and rule with an iron fist may find that life may be more organized than others, but the other spouse, who may be more of a feeling type, becomes distraught if there is little affection in the home. Parenting brings stressors that we rarely ever predict in advance.

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#10 – Down time. Bahahaha! What’s that?. Before having children, your down time was one of calmness, reflection and an opportunity to decrease those cortisol levels obtained through the work day. Afterward, you get the kids to school and a list of urgent errands awaits you. You put the baby down for a nap and the laundry is staring you down like a lion staring down its prey. It wants to consume the little fella but it’s too full from its last meal to pounce. Because parenting is survival of the fittest, you pounce away.

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You or your spouse come in from an exhausting day at work only to find that your living room is littered with every pillow in the house, goldfish crackers, legos, a stray diaper (it happens to the best of us), magic marker, dirty dishes and then screaming, crying, giggles…complete chaos. Also, you may find your spouse sucking his/her thumb is the fetal position, locked in the bathroom because it GOT REAL! You put the kids to bed and somebody wants to snuggle, is thirsty or has a nightmare. You then enter a REM cycle in it’s infancy stage and, AGAIN, somebody wants to snuggle, is thirty or has a nightmare. Down time is also the thing of Disney Fairy Tales.

In conclusion, this is just the reality of marriage with children. As I look back at pictures of my kids, I am reminded that the changes in the baby daddy’s and my relationship, although ridiculous at times, have been  completely worth the chaos.

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We realize how selfish we are. We hopefully learn that we must adapt ourselves to the change in tides or we will never keep the boat afloat. Then, we advance to the teenage years and the tides may turn into a tsunami. Oh man! Stay strong parents! We shall ride the waves of parenting like a pro surfer trying to outrun a Great White. Failure is not an option! We can do this.

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