The Pediatric Office Visit Per Jim Carey

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We are now in our SECOND day of summer vacation and I already have two children scoring over 100 on the Fahrenheit temperature reading exam and another one attempting to obtain overachiever status. I am so very pleased that they sought to carry their love for knowledge and work ethic (or lack there of) into the week of our beach vacation. As always, I am one proud mother.

Somewhere between leaving the house with three cruddy children and arriving back home with healthy Happy Meals in hand, I have found myself on the verge of a breakdown. You know what I mean. The “I’m about to lose my freaking mind” moment. Certainly, I don’t have time for such things and must muster on and overcome! Therefore, I shall utilize my most recent form of therapy and chronicle the events of the past two hours.

One particular movie scene always comes to mind when these moments hit. Only those that have the utmost class and impeccable taste will know of which movie I am referring to. Ah hum…”Dumb and Dumber”.

Dumb and Dumber Jim Carey
Dumb and Dumber
Jim Carey

As told by scenes from this world renown movie and the unmatched facial expressions of Mr. Jim Carey, I proceed.

I gather all three offspring up, pry their iPads from their grasps long enough for them to brush their teeth (one fibbed and failed to do so) and load them into the car.

And we're off!
And we’re off!

We have an uneventful car ride (a rarity) and quickly arrive at the pediatrician’s office. As soon as the children walk through the glass doors into the waiting room, they pull a COMPLETE 180 on me. The older two start laughing and discussing what level they just beat on a video game and which has better rankings. Let’s NOT forget the wild man. As soon as his feet touch the floor, he bolts to the aquarium and starts beating on the glass window like Darla from “Finding Nemo”. They are loud, happy and, other than a cough, sneeze or snort here and there, they appear PERFECTLY healthy. Well, that’s convenient.

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Fortunately, we are called back rather efficiently.  As they giggle, play fight and skip through the halls, we enter our patient room. I know the nurse personally, because let’s be real here. When you have three kids and have attended the same pediatric clinic for ten years, they KNOW you. My thoughts at this point are “You have just wasted $90 of hard earned cash”, “You appear to have come here for some social interaction because your kids are FAKING it woman” and also, “You look like one of those mom’s that has ZERO control over your kids. You are an embarrassment to motherhood”. “98.4 mom”, the nurse sweetly states. None of them have fever per her thermometer. I’m starting to drown a little.

DUMB AND DUMBER TO - 2014 FILM STILL - JEFF DANIELS as Harry Dunne - Photo Credit: Hopper Stone © 2014 Universal Studios. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
DUMB AND DUMBER TO – 2014 FILM STILL – JEFF DANIELS as Harry Dunne – Photo Credit: Hopper Stone © 2014 Universal Studios. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

In between the nurse checking vitals and the physician coming in, the kids are acting like chimpanzees on Redbull. They are playing loudly, laughing hysterically and the toddler is getting into any and every expensive equipment that is strategically placed within arms reach of a three year old. I’m screaming inside, “Seriously, you crazed animals were running temperature and being “sick perfect” all last night. Why??!!”. I”m trying all I can do to keep them quiet. Then, the doctor enters. Another familiar acquaintance. I charmingly muster up a smile and say, “Hey! How have you been? You have lost weight! Tell me your secret because you look great!.”

Mama"s got this
Mama’s got this

She really did. What’s my excuse for gaining 15 pounds recently? She has several kids and works full-time so I guess I have no valid excuse to make myself feel better.

Other than acting very loud, yet completely well, the older two cooperate nicely for her. However, once she gets to the caboose, the cortisol starts pumping out exponentially. He refuses to let her touch him or look at the necessary crevices. In addition, he starts taking pictures of her…with my phone that I attempted to contain him with. Don’t judge. It got real. During this insanity, the older two step up the play fighting a notch.

You guy are THIS close to groundings
You guy are THIS close to groundings

Fast forward to the prognosis. Two fever viruses and a severely inflamed sinus cavity. What this means it that I have, in fact, forked over $90 in copays to be told “Sorry, you’ll just have to wait it out with Advil and Tylenol.”

I'm about to cry
I can’t even…

I persuade a little. It’s my nature. She writes me a couple of scripts for antibiotics just in case we need it during the Memorial Day weekend. Finally, a break.

I then proceed to checkout where I wipe out the chip embedded debit card and the animals collect their Batman and My Little Pony stickers. After driving through and getting lunch, we arrive home to eat and settle in before we have to leave again in an hour.  Then Tasmanian Devil Angel child immediately refuses his food, starts talking deliriously, grabs his blanket and falls asleep on the couch WITH FEVER. Advil it is.

Assuming the fetal position and inserting thumb in mouth...now
Assuming the fetal position and inserting thumb in mouth…now

As I am wrapping up this story on our morning endeavor, he just has woken up, stolen something from baby girl, started screaming and I am about to go drop them off at grandma’s so I can FINALLY get a couple of things done I have had to postpone for two weeks now. Thank you Jim Carey for your gift of expression. Pictures speak louder than words most times. I would post a picture that the child took of the physician but it was of HER CHEST!

There you go parents. You are never alone with your Pediatric Office escapades!